Expectations

Expectation Equals Disappointment — 100% of the Time?
At least, that’s what I thought… until I figured out the missing ingredient.

A good friend of mine once said something that stuck with me over the years:
“Expectation equals disappointment one hundred percent of the time.”

I could see how he believed that. There’s truth in it — though I always felt something was a bit off. It seemed too finite, too absolute. As time went on, I started to believe that expectations would always lead to let-downs.

What I began to notice, however, was that I was constantly letting certain people down when it came to their expectations. I honestly thought I was just broken, dense, or missing something when it came to meeting them.

I’d often find myself cluelessly realizing that someone was upset with me — and had been for some time — because I’d somehow failed to meet their expectations. It was frustrating. I hated letting people down, especially when I thought everything was fine and then — boom! Nope… you suck. Didn’t you know?!

It was the worst. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.
How was I constantly missing the mark?

And then all at once, it hit me.
The Game With No Rules
It was like bowling with the pins covered — or playing a game someone else made, but never explaining the rules. And then being punished for playing “wrong” because apparently, I should just know by now.

Be honest — how many times have you dropped that “should” on someone?
You know, they should have done this, or they should know without me having to say.

It’s okay, no judgment here.
Tell you what — I’ll go first.

I did it.
I couldn’t help it.
I used to “should” people all the time — it’s what I knew.

Somehow, I believed that people should just know my needs and wants because of their role in my life.

The Role Trap
By role, I mean parent, sibling, friend, partner — as in you’re my father, you should show up this way, or you’re my friend, you should just know.

What I was really doing was making it mean that they valued me if they guessed correctly. And if they didn’t? Well, clearly that must mean they don’t value me or the relationship.

Sound familiar?

I imagine most of us have been on at least one end of that scenario — if not both. And maybe, just maybe, that’s not such a reasonable expectation.

That’s when I discovered the missing ingredient in my friend’s theory.

Expectation – Communication = Disappointment
If you don’t tell people what you need from them, they’ll most likely miss the mark.

Let’s dig into this a bit. In relationships, we tend to create labels — mom, dad, partner, friend, boss — and attach unspoken rules to them. Those rules form over time through our experiences, what we’ve been taught, what we’ve witnessed, or even what we’ve absorbed from media.

We build a model of how each person “should” show up for us. The problem?
We rarely tell anyone what the model is.

Sometimes, we don’t even know the rules ourselves.

We create the game and the roles.
We invite the players but never explain the rules.
And when they play “wrong,” we suddenly realize what the rules were — and assume they should have known.

Understand What You Need to Communicate What You Need
This all boils down to needs. We all have them — that’s part of being human.

We need safety, connection, support, empathy, compassion, encouragement, grace, tough love, and acceptance. But we don’t need them all at once. Sometimes we need empathy; other times, we need a fix. Sometimes we need to be accepted as we are; other times, we need a kick in the pants.

The issue isn’t that we have needs — it’s knowing what those needs are, and who we can go to for each one.

So, what if we considered an expectation as an uncommunicated need?

We all have needs — there’s nothing wrong with that.
But expressing them? That’s where it gets hard.

The Vulnerability Factor
Expressing needs requires vulnerability.
And humans protect vulnerability ferociously.

Being vulnerable can be scary:
What if my needs are rejected?
What if I’m told they’re not valid?
What if I’m minimized, dismissed, or even gaslit?

So… what if that does happen?

Now what?

Do you just sit in the disappointment — the hurt — and let it consume you?
Or could you find some choice in it, some empowerment?

Here’s the hard question:

What will you make that mean?

If your needs are rejected or dismissed, what meaning will you assign — about that person, or about yourself?

Because once you’re clear on your needs and your boundaries, it doesn’t matter so much what others think.

If you communicate responsibly and someone still can’t meet your needs, maybe that person just isn’t the right one to go to for that particular need.

Everyone Has Needs
Remember — you’re not the only one with needs.
The other person has needs too.

Sometimes we place expectations on others based on their role in our lives — without considering whether they actually have the capacity to meet those needs.

I once saw a meme that said something like:
“We’re all just extras or NPCs in someone else’s main storyline.”

There’s something liberating about that idea.
If we’re all just trying to fit in and have our needs met, maybe vulnerability doesn’t have to be so scary.

Some people will be able to meet your needs, and others won’t.
You don’t have to make it mean anything more than that.

You just get to learn who you can — and can’t — go to for certain needs.

It takes radical vulnerability and self-responsibility — easier said than done, I know. It takes daring to mess it up, to fail forward.

But on the other side of that? Growth.

I’m not saying I’ll never be disappointed again.
But I will have more control over how it happens — and what I make it mean.
Remember, the personal growth journey can be long, but you are not alone. Until next time, Ciao!!